I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
