Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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