Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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