i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
