I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
