He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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