remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
