last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
