omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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