They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
not ubering you a puppy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
