Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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