Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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