I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
operation have a gay friend backfired
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
