i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
