my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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