my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
