I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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