I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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