Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
