I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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