i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
