You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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