It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
