drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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