Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
