Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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