dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
