How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
