I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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