You're my little dorito
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
