If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
