I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
