The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
