Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
