I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
