I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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