I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
