Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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