Dude my mom stole all your condoms
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's rum buckets o'clock
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize