I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
