Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
