what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
