she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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