Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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