Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
