I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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