I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
