I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
