you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
