Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
