Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
