I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
