Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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