he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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