im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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