Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
