i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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