hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
