You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
