420 ftw
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
