We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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