it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
